Post mortem chill

academy of mass orgasmic sound

2007-04-19T18:59:00.000+08:00

i'm powerless holding the pencil. something says it's not as cracked up as it's made to be... ok so i lost the foothold. ok so made some show. how is it still unknown? er here makes me seem high.

i'm in an academy of mass orgasmic sound.

Questions for Sabine

2007-04-05T10:58:00.000+08:00

hush now, the sound of your voice is deadly to the ears. breathe in the hopeless fallacy that is me. would you ever learn? do you want to hear? a bat is all the more atuned than you. your imagery is everdeceiving. please, don't make me the fool.

meet me midnight, we could walk alone together, we could steal the night forever. your love's the only lone flower it'll be the end of time. you are kind and mentally blind, are you really fine?

what is this slinky feeling?

stop this. block this. fuck this.

I wish i could wish it all away.

here, i write you.

2007-03-03T15:03:00.000+08:00

this is as(muchas)clarity's gonna get(to you)... no?

i stand, willingly, before you.

pleading, dreaming, bleeding

for you to see past pride, charade, ashen lies.

i am what i am.

i am a shy desert cactus.

i am what i am.

i am nothing, if but the secret soul's survivor

i am what i am.

as my soul burns;
i dance.

i am what i am.

as my mind slips;
i creep.

i am what i am.

as my heart yearns;
i sink.

i am what i am.

the Fates sings of the fool that i am.

i am what i am.

a harbinger of empty abandon.

i am what i am.

a body in blatant despair.

i am what i am.

a lone heart. a phony warrior. a bleeding grin.

i am what i am.

i am, if not, in plain sight, a girl not unburdened by wants or desires.

i am a sparrow, ugly songbird nonetheless;
i sing to you. for you.

oh yes indeed. you.

i am my parchment, i am my quill;
there, i write you.

for i am, this morbid person, ambiguousness itself.

capable hands.

2007-02-25T07:08:00.000+08:00

capable hands.

i see capable hands.

battered and bruised are those capable, heinous hands.

oozing ostentatiousness,

your insolent clamour insinuates;

fear shall mar your all.

i'll quit you. soon.

2006-12-08T06:08:00.000+08:00

now i know where you are.

now you know what i am.

this is never an experiment.

not a bloody phase.

only the floor of this being's painful honesty.

i told you.

yet you didn't believe.

i'm sorry you don't get.

i'm sorry i didn't say.

i quit this.

i quit you.

i will in time.

i will i swear.

time will cover heartbreak.

time shall heal the frayed sides of this soul.

you don't know.

you never will.

cause this is where it parts.

this is where goodbye ends.

Pains, Stains and Underlying Morals.

2006-12-01T02:42:00.000+08:00

right, just to announce aloud, i'm here to blog FOR SOMEONE... you know who you are.

finally, today i decided to leave my safe cocoon haven of a home, in more ways than one.

call me anti-social, call me a coward.

anything works.

so I went to town, with Jenny and Yin Ping. two most eventful events that are worth mentioning:

A,
Happy Feet is really a great show. (See positive reviews/rants at Flixster) But while i was watching the movie, the irony hit me that having marched all up and down town, my "Feet" was not at all "Happy".

oh, all the pain.

it kills.

lame irony, you say?

well, i say, take it or leave it.

B,
finding No. 2 of the day is that Jenny supposedly has "no luck", "bad luck" or a case of bad karma. Today memories that she aren't keen about caught up with her (through/from out my wide mouth no less) and new ones that she ain't glad to have.

iho, the worst thing happened to her. this is how it goes, hot shot host, Miss Medium Love (please translate to Chinese at your own discretion. as i have no idea what's her name in English.) decided to go on the streets of town, PREYING on unsuspecting streetwalkers, attempting to search for fresh fodder to feed hungry Chinese Tv producers and execs. While, we, the fodder, supposedly oozing freshness (why else would she pick us? at random?), walked unknowingly into malicious booby trap.

Actually, the trap was in fact a long, thus unavoidable strip along Orchard Road. There, her watchful eyes met that one of our gaze (not me, I was staring at the ground for lucky quarters &/nickels) and instantly her sights focused. All three of us, upon discovering to our absolute horror that cameras are involved, made a mad dash to safety. But then, her varnish-tainted nails dug into an arm, poor old Jenny's to be exact, and forced her iron-clad grip of doom upon her. Unbeknownst to Yin Ping and I that while we got away successful, Jenny was caught!

Miss Medium Love interrogated poor Jenny for a steady train of unopiniated, unbiased youth opinions about same old same old like peer pressure, tattoos, the "myth" mentos + coke and all that garbage, inflicting not only mortal wounds but gut-wrenching pain as well. Despite several obvious attempts to leave, MML (short, easily to type) refused to let her.

In the end, Jenny walked away safe, with a fractured ego and some growing phobia for ChU programmes, but nevertheless changed a different woman.

Underlying moral?: Never walk past a wacky host, personnel, camera and sound crew discussing together without being cautious. As we've seen in this case, it's lethal to the heart.

and finally C,
i have seen all lights and tasted flesh. i know all this in the manner of packaging. i've learnt much more yet i have not grown. The paper connection became evident.

in this frame of mind,
it's best caution to feed the kind.

2006-11-23T00:58:00.000+08:00

oh, the plasticity...

its purpose eludes me.

a Sappho poem

2006-11-19T22:57:00.000+08:00

There's a moment when I look at you
And no speech is left in me.
My tongue breaks, then fire races under my skin
And I tremble,
And grow pale,
For I am dying of such love.

A close translation of a Sappho poem to share.

for i am truly dying of such love.

Heart of Darkness

2006-11-16T06:40:00.000+08:00

something that i adore to share.

"And from right to left along the lighted shore moved a wild and gorgeous apparition of a woman. She walked with measured steps draped in striped and fringed clothes, treading the earth proudly with a slight jingle and flash of barbarous ornaments. She carried her head high. Her hair was done in the shape of a helmet. She had brass leggings to the knee, brass wire gauntlets to the elbow, a crimson spot on her tawny cheek, innumerable necklaces of glass beads on her neck. Bizarre things, charms, gifts of witch men that hung about her glittered and trembled at every step. She must have had the value of several elephant tusks on her. She was savage and superb, wild-eyed and magnificent. There was something ominous and stately in her deliberate progress. And in the hush that had fallen suddenly upon the whole sorrowful land, the immense wilderness, the colossal body of the fecund and mysterious life seemed to look at her, pensive, as though it had been looking at the image of its own tenebrous and passionate soul."

Passage from "Heart of Darkness" by Joseph Conrad.

Altared States

2006-10-19T02:28:00.000+08:00

liar.

i'm through playing your childish games

i'm done with you.

so step off.

if a few drop shots won't numb, what else will?

Empty.

2006-10-12T01:48:00.000+08:00

She creeps:

Her motion and her station are as one;

She shows a body rather than a life,

A statue than a breather.

mask;hide;take my pain away. whichever you so choose.

All For Nothing

2006-09-27T15:13:00.000+08:00

don't trip.
just blink
and tell me
what's going on

amphibian tails
concrete minds
can you see these
sunken eyes

if you think it's all some disgrace
hopefully you'll be at a another place

sincerely i wish you glee
leave this mark of death
on my door step
for i know you're turning into another her.

but don't you realise
this is pointless.

with eyes wide closed.

i'm back where i belong

2006-09-25T02:03:00.000+08:00

my imperfections lay.
with empty sounds that fade.
did i ask too simple?
did i ask too much?

you gave me nothing
that was all i got
you asked for me to enter
but then you made me crawl

best taken bittersweet
this pill that you made
what's my poison; where's your face?
what's your damned excuse?

the eye of your experimental execution closed
the pained expression summoned
this is all a joke
this is a lost cause

you are, you are
late, unarmed but paid.
don't let this linger
blade cuts finger.

hide yourself away
hide it all away
deafen the blind
i've been losing so much time.

i'm back where i belong.

The Dumbing Down Of Love

2006-09-25T01:53:00.000+08:00

Well painted passion
You rightly suspect
Impersonation
The dumbing down of love
Jaded in anger
Love underwhelms you
No box of chocolates
Whichever way you fall

And if I tell you
Lover alone without love
What will happen
Lover alone without love
Will you miss him?
Lover alone without love

No, no I'll get this
I want to treat you
You're still not famous
And you haven't struck it rich
Underachieving
'Cause no one's receiving
This tunnel vision
It's turning out all wrong

And if I tell you
Lover alone without love
What will happen
Lover alone without love
Will you miss him?
Love alone without love

Music is worthless unless it can
Make a complete stranger
Break down and cry

And if I tell you
Lover alone without love
What will happen
Lover alone without love
Will you miss him?
Love alone without love

by Frou Frou.

ican'tstandyouanymore

2005-10-19T01:41:00.000+08:00

i don't care for liars.

i despise pretenders.

i can't stand bitches.

you are my friend.

so why are you like them?

you lie, you cheat, you pretend.

it's the thing you do best.

can't you talk without going in circles?

your words have hidden meanings.

i find you to be so damn pretentious.

and i'm not the only one,

i wonder if you're aware.

can i trust you,

with all my dirty little secrets?

what do you treat me as?

your friend?

or your follower?

someone you can make use i'm sure.

crap.

quit yakking and stop whining.

just shut the fuck up.

i can't stand you.

not any more.

you can't erase me.

2005-08-22T16:53:00.000+08:00

do you get what i'm saying?

do you understand these words of mine?

these words that are meant for you.

there are so many things i want to say,

so many things to make you believe.

have i lost your trust?

or is it my trust in you that is gone?

do you look back on memories we shared,

and wished i wasn't there?

to you,

i'm just a blank. _______________

missing from your memories.

a friend to be forgotten.

a face to hate.

to erase.

but just so you know,

and this is the absolute truth,

you can't erase the past,

....nope, you can't.

you can't erase my existence,

....unless you kill me.

you can't erase me,

....but you can try.

i know you are reading this.

2005-08-20T02:14:00.000+08:00

i know you are reading this.

i welcome that.

i don't hide.

i won't run.

this is a mess that none of us can clean.

i wished none of this ever happened, sincerely i do.

and we were like what we used to be.

people around you said i lied to you.

did i?

have i forgotten my lies with this small useless brain crazed with my idols?

if so, tell me.

make me remember.

you said you can't smile,

when she's around

well, neither can i.

what is she?

what does she want?

that i have no clue.

you said you knew.

a bitch, you called her.

til today i wonder if it's true.

is she a good actress?

does she lie through her teeth?

if she does,

then you know i won't be able to see.

cause you know i'm not a good judge of character.

black and white is no difference to me.

but then again, i remember,

you can see right through me.

you cried,

the reason to me is unknown.

but she cried too.

whose tears should i believe?

so who's lying now, you or her?

tell me.

i know you are reading this.